


i'll be holding onto you

by mariette



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pain, Post-breakup, and confused, jon is a good friend, ryan is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2015-11-06
Packaged: 2018-04-30 06:05:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5153054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariette/pseuds/mariette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The three times Ryan was thinking about calling Brendon and the one time he actually did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'll be holding onto you

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this fic for a while. When I say a while i mean I found it buried in my documents and decided to finish it and post it. So, here we are! I usually don't write band fanfiction but if you guys want more just let me know! Maybe I'll do some more? Either way, title is taken from a twenty one pilots song. Hope you guys enjoy!

I.

The first time he thought about picking up the phone and dialing the number he’s had memorized for years was after he left. He wasn’t sure what he would say to him. Sorry we had creative differences? Sorry we didn’t want to make the same music? Sorry I broke your heart? Nothing seemed right. So when he sat there staring at the numbers he dialed Jon’s number instead. It rang twice before he picked up.

“Hey man what’s up?” Jon asked. Ryan didn’t reply right away.

“Ryan?” Jon asked again clearing his throat into the receiver.

“What the hell are we going to do?” he asked. It was a loaded question. Ryan knew that. But Ryan also knew if anyone could answer that question it was Jon. There was a sigh on the other end.

“I don’t know yet.”

“Yeah me either. I’m starting to think if it was a good idea to leave or not.” Ryan was chewing on the inside of his cheek. He didn’t want to be having this conversation. He’d rather be curled up in his bed hating himself.

“Ryan...” Jon started.

“Yeah, I know. I broke his heart or whatever. But you didn’t have to leave too.”

“I was talking about the fact that we wanted to make different music than them, but I guess that too. Anyways, I don’t want you to sit alone in your house blaming yourself for the split. Or blaming yourself for my leaving too. We made the decision together, Ry.” The sympathy coming from Jon was crippling. Ryan sighed again. 

“You think we’re going to be okay?” he asked. The question felt like acid on his tongue.

“Only if you want us to be. Let’s get to the studio at the end of the week, huh? See what wise words we can pull out of that brain?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Jon.”

Jon said his goodbye and Ryan heard the click on the other end. He smiled to himself. He didn’t need to call Brendon. He’ll be fine.

II.

He’d smoked a whole box of cigarettes in an hour and he was so far away from fine. For a while he thought that he could just forget about the break-up. That eventually it would be something he could look back and reminisce on. But there’s never a time when people aren’t asking him about Panic at the fucking Disco. And now? Now he’s staring at a video where they bring up him and Jon. They had an agreement. They’d go their separate ways and not do anything to screw the others over and for awhile it was working. But when he woke up this morning and his twitter feed was filled with something called “The Overture” it would change.

He watched the video in it’s entirety and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to know that it was all about Ryan and Jon. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. They weren’t supposed to act like this. This was just some pathetic attempt to attack them. Attack him. It had to be. But the better part of him thought that maybe it really was about them moving on. Showing the fans and themselves that they’d be okay.

Ryan stared at his phone that was on the table. He should call him. He should scream at him and tell him how much it hurt. He probably would have done it too if he didn’t realize how ridiculous it sounded. They’re trying to move on with the little that they have. At least that’s what he had gathered from Spencer’s last email. 

They’d been emailing a lot lately. Just catching up with each other. Making sure the other is okay. He’s always worried a lot about Spencer and as of late he’s been doing it a lot more. He can tell when Spencer’s addiction starts to get the best of him and he feels like another wave of that is coming.

He wasn’t going to call. He couldn’t bring himself to. Jon said a few months ago that he tried to call him but the call was ignored after the third ring. If that happened to Jon it would certainly happen to Ryan too. He’d probably ignore it at the first ring, not thinking twice about ignoring it. If Ryan were being honest, he wouldn’t want to pick up the phone either.

He laid on the couch and lit another cigarette. The long drag he took helped push some of the anger out. By the time he was at the end of the cigarette he wasn’t angry anymore. It had been instead replaced by sadness. Jon’s verbally expressed how much he misses the band. Ryan still couldn’t bring himself to do it. He did miss it though. He missed the large crowds, being on the road for days on end, travelling the globe, and especially being so close to Brendon.

No one has ever looked at him the way Brendon has. The looks were soft and meaningful. Sometimes he’d dream about just his eyes and he would wake up and realize he’d been crying. He loved the stupid kid so fucking much but he broke his heart. He made up some bullshit excuse as to why they couldn’t be together. Somewhere along the lines of he wasn’t the kind of guy to be in relationships and he’d just hurt Brendon in the end. But truth be told he was scared. Scratch that. He was absolutely fucking terrified and he broke Brendon’s heart anyways. So they both lost in the end and he’d never stop blaming himself for that. No matter how pissed off he was at Brendon and Spencer for going further into their careers he knew that it wasn’t them that was making him angry. It was always himself.

III.

He found out about it when Jon was over. He owes it to that for not totally freaking out. They both weren’t invited to the wedding. Honestly, he probably wouldn’t have found out about it if it weren’t for Spencer. The email was only one sentence. Probably better that way. It read, “Brendon and Sarah are getting married.”

That night he broke down. He asked Jon to go home and against his better judgment he did. Ryan drank. A lot. It surprised him the next morning that he didn’t call. Surely he had to of thought about it. But he didn’t remember anything about last night anyways so it didn’t matter.

IV.

He was going to do it this time. There was no way he could keep going like this. It’s been so long since he’d heard his voice. That’s a lie. He hears his voice all of the time. It’s the songs and it’s pathetic and he knows but it just hurts in the best fucking way. Like, there is nothing more he wants to do than feel his stomach flip inside out and his heart about to pump out of his chest. Sometimes, he gets so worked up he’s convinced that his ears are bleeding. That’s why he needed to call.

Not much progress has been made in actually dialing the number though. A long time ago he thought that deleting his number would stop the urge to call him but he still had it fucking memorized. It was etched into his left side brain probably for the rest of his fucking life. He’s convinced that if he ever started developing Alzheimer’s, Brendon’s name would be the last thing he remembered before he finally clocked out for good. It’s fucking pathetic.

At some point he finally dialed the number. And it rang, and rang, and rang. It rang for so long Ryan almost passed out because of course he was holding his breath. He was going to hang up. He really was.

“Hello?” a voice answered.

“Oh hey, it’s- it’s uh.” Ryan stammered. Fuck. One of the lasts things he expected was for him to actually answer.

“Yeah Ry, I know it’s you,” Brendon said. That didn’t make it any better. What the hell was he supposed to do now? Make it so awkward Brendon just hangs up and that really ruins any chance for Ryan to talk to him again?

“Sorry to call you out of literally nowhere. I was just thinking,” Ryan said.

“Thinking about what?” Brendon asked. Suddenly sounding interested in the conversation. Ryan bit at his lips. He didn’t really know what to say. He knew what he shouldn’t say.

“Just how well you’re doing with the new music. It sounds really good. And...and that I’m sorry Spencer left. He emailed me about everything that was happening but that he was getting married now which is awesome. I saw that you were touring a lot too and that’s pretty cool. But uh, yeah I was just reminiscing is a better word for it. Really miss the old band, you know? Miss the tours and playing the old music. I just really miss…” he trailed off for a second. You. He wanted to say. I really fucking miss you. He really wanted to scream it. Finally say every god damn thought he’s been too scared to say for so long. “I miss everything.”

Brendon was silent. Ryan could hear him moving around.

“Are you drunk?” he asked.

“What? I- no?” Ryan replied. Brendon sighed into the phone.

“Look Ryan, I don’t know what you want from me. I’ve moved on so well in my music career. I’m making things that I love, I’m writing things that I fucking love. Things that I know that you wouldn’t agree on. That’s what this was all about anyways right? You didn’t agree on it so we moved on. We went our separate ways. I found myself when you left. I found meaning in life again. Do you remember what you said the day you left? ‘I never want to fucking see your face again. Everything that you think our relationship was, it wasn’t. It meant nothing to me. You were just another fuck.’ What do you think I’m just going to let you back into my life since you’ve had numerous years to forget about it? I haven’t fucking forgotten about it. I’m married now, to a beautiful woman I love. Don’t you ever think for one goddamn second you can take that away from me. When I was younger, I was stupid for letting you back into my life and giving you second, third, and fourth chances. Letting you convince me that this time you were changed and you weren’t going to fucking hurt me. But you did anyways. Years and years ago if you would have called, I probably would have said yes and kept saying yes. I’ve had time to heal, Ry. A lot of time. Nothing is going to change, though. I can’t let you back in.”

The line went dead.

He listened to the dial tone for a while. Soaking in the words. He wished he was healing. But as far as he’s concerned, he can’t heal his broken heart if he left it with Brendon in the first place.


End file.
